alex the girl

Tonight I went to a special previewing of Pride and Prejudice where director Jo Wright and star Donald Sutherland spoke. By the end of it all, I had to tuck myself away to gather myself; it had been a roller coaster evening when all I was prepared for was a movie.

It began by hearing the director talk. He was quite young which surprised me, however, his ability to speak about the movie, why he did it, and what it was like helped me to believe in movie making again. I'm not one for "Hollywood" but I do adore being on a film set of a good movie - I love the process of it all. I don't, however, like all the ass kissing, the show and tell, the being something that seems to go along with it. There's a definite game that gets played in Hollywood and I've often wondered how to be a part of it without being a part of it. That struggle has kept me from doing as much as I want to do. However, Jo's chat, combined with him being my age and just starting out and belieiving in what he was doing helped me to believe that aside from the politics of it all, there is still movie making going on and I can continue to work in it, somehow.

Watching the movie, memories I had long tucked away came back. I remembered my 18 year old self, living in England in a manor home on an estate and all that went with that - the politics, the decadence, the pride and prejudice (ironic!). There was good and bad to that time and it all came welling up at once. Sometimes one thinks they've changed so much but really, they've just changed locations and become a little older. When I thought of myself then, I didn't recognise that girl only to realise that so much of her is still with me. It also reminded me that I'm not really one for the city, that I do enjoy a quieter pace with space but that I need some kind of sophisticated living. Cabin girl I'm not. French provincal, mais oui. The movie was a beautiful break from billboards, traffic and mini skirts at least. It reminded me of where I'm trying to get to, eventually.

And the last thing to hit me, well, it was perfectly timed I suppose. There is a scene at the end involving the father, Mr. Bennet (played by Donald Sutherland). It was the way in which he spoke to his daughter that caught me off guard - he was both sad and joyous at once. Proud of her getting everything that she was meant for yet sad because it meant her to be gone from him. It was an incredibly touching, well-acted moment that was so subtle that unless you were a father or a daughter you might miss it.

After the movie, Donald Sutherland spoke; his humour and unpretentious, unconscious way of speaking just topped it all. He was really an actor in all good sense of the word. He was at ease and I think that threw off the Hollywood crowd that was there. Each time he was asked a question and answered it, people in the audience would laugh to which he'd have to say, "No really, I'm serious." I think a lot of people in this town expect people to always be "on" or trying to be something or have all the answers. He was just he and often said, "I don't know" or "I don't care.". And it was terribly endearing and really, really amazing.

As I walked home from the theatre, I had all these thoughts and emotions. I tried to contemplate them all, right foot - movie making, left food - family. Right foot - where am I going. Left foot - where I've been. By the time I reached my flat I thought there's really nothing to sort or figure out. Everything is intertwined - movies, life, creativity, communicating, stirring, living, being - it's all a part of life. Nothing more. Nothing less. The trick is to just do what you want, have a moment when you need and be what you can without putting too much effort into wondering what it all means. Otherwise you miss it all.

(Just a note about the movie - it was incredibly, incredibly beautiful but it should have truly ended at the scene that I mentioned above. In England it did but because American audiences demand it, the ending went on longer and was changed to give "closure." It was more modern, contrived, forced and just rather out of place. And I think really good work - writing, art, movies, music - shouldn't cater to the lowest common denominator but make people rise to match it. Dummying stuff, explaining it, making everyone feel happy at the end well, how does that really help people expand? Art isn't about explaining.)

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October 27, 2005

Last month in Vancouver, my best-friend, her son and I went on a horse drawn carriage ride around Stanley Park. For forty-five minutes the horses pulled the heavy trolly in conditions which were actually pretty good - no large hills, not a lot of traffic racing around and pretty mild weather. Still, we weren't sure how we felt about these animals being made to lug us around and wondered if it was good for them or if they'd be better off hanging out on a farm somewhere.

When we asked the guide about it, she explained that this particular breed, the rare Grey Shire Horse, was bred solely for the purpose of pulling large weight (mostly for pulling coal out of mines). Because they were bred specifically for this, it's necessary for the horses to do work each day in order to keep their leg muscles strong so they can support their body weight (1700 to 2000 pounds). Without those muscles, their legs would literally snap and the horse would collapse. Without fulfilling their purpose, they would destroy themselves.

Somehow I don't this unique to horses.

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October 26, 2005

I'm in-love with Sara's leaf shadows and apparently I'm not the only one who likes what she does. Three of her photos are on display at Logan airport as part of the "Boston 375 Views" exhibit that runs through December. Her photos are of three different statues in Boston locations, specifically the Public Library, Boston Common and on Newbury Street. So if your travels happen to take you through Logan in the next two months keep an eye out for the exhibit on the walkway between the B and C terminals.

< September 2005 | Main | November 2005 >

October 22, 2005

A useful site for those who ever want to know if they felt an earthquake or not. The flat shook quite a bit and, after browsing the site, discovered that a 3.0 happened just 2 miles away.

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October 21, 2005

I realise there's only been a handful of entries this year and that the site has been down more than up. It's been somewhat intentional by the fact I've found myself less and less involved, inspired and in-love with the online world. It's become a bunch of blah, blah, blah lately. Boring. Myself included.

For the past several months I haven't read people's blogs or personal bits and for good reason - I don't want to know people's lives by their blog lines. I've actually had friends whose response to the "How are you doing" question be, "well you can read it on my web site." For me, that doesn't work.

There's become an assumption that everyone reads everyone's blogs and people write and live for others now. Have an experience? One must blog about how fucking fantastic the pizza was or how Jimmy broke up with me or how things fell apart again but I'm going to pick myself right back up!

It's strange to me how a lot of people who write and read personal blogs do so religiously - almost obsessively - and tend to assume that everyone does it, knows about it, participates in it, too. These people tend to forget there's a whole world out there that doesn't know blogspot.com or what's going around or who they newest it person is. Some people feel that if they don't record their experience on their blog it didn't really happen and others feel if they don't comment on those experiences they'll never get noticed. People and things tend get blown way out of proportion in blogs and blogging life. Some minions hitting a site several times a day can make some blog creators feel like rock stars and then the whole slippery slope starts there.

It's not bitterness that drives this post, honestly, though I understand some people will think so or think this a rant just because it's not filled with something uplifting, personal or cute. And when a post lacks those things it's often met with anger, hostility, and desertion - another things that's a little sad about the online world as of late. Sometimes one just has to make statements based on observations that have no personal feeling involved (I'm neither upset, angry, bitter nor happy about it. It just is what it is). After 10 years of writing on a personal web site, I've seen changes happen and the whole personal web evolve. And what it’s evolved into is something I just don’t really care too much for at the moment.

In fact, I tend to think personal blogging has become more like reality TV - it started off real, with good intentions, shedding light in areas never seen before but now it's all scripted, managed and carefully created to maintain an image, popularity and standing. Everyone wants to be liked, measures their worth by comments and emails and if they said the latest thing that gets people talking.

It's my strong belief that one can't really connect online nor can one find answers to how to really lead a life. To find the answer, the direction one must go is offline and just live within themselves for awhile, without trying to figure out how to write it for others or how to respond to their favourite so they can be in the clique too. One must go offline and just experience - live, try, do, with the only worry being how they feel at the end of the day - not how they can blog about it. And one can't find answers just by reading self-help web sites or by reading others having experiences - vicarious living is not living. No one has your answers.

"If it be knowledge or wisdom one is seeking, then one had better go direct to the source. And the source is not the scholar or philosopher, not the master, saint or teacher, but life itself -- direct experience of life." -Henry Miller, Books in My Life

P.S. I should like to note that sites that are about information and ideas, I find that useful and interesting despite not keeping up to date with them all and that I do know that not all the web and not all personal sites are crap. There's actually some really good ones. Some examples? Voila

P.P.S. How do I fit into all of this? No bloody idea.

< September 2005 | Main | November 2005 >

October 20, 2005

It had been a whirlwind morning of darting through Santa Monica, Brentwood and Beverly Hills for several different projects I have going on.It was at four that I decided to head home and grab a quick bite before heading out once again. But it had become rather cold outside due to the marine layer and the cosiness of the mist changed my mind and had me instead wanting to do something I don't normally do - chill out.

Instead of hopping in the car, I walked through my neighbourhood, admiring so many of the Halloween decorations that are out. This inspired me as this Halloween I'm going to only my second Halloween party - something I don't normally do. After walking twenty blocks up I moved over to the boutique lined street, Montana Ave where I decided to take my time walking down, stopping into shops and do a bit of window shopping at a very leisurely pace. I hadn't been on this street for so long, least of all shopping. But on this afternoon I decided to do something I don't normally do.

The closer I got to my flat, the colder it became so I decided to pop into the cafe for a latte, a bit of warmth and an excuse to sit down outside and people watch. It was good. I've been having my tea and coffee on the go for so long that I forgot how wonderful it is to sit under heater lamps, wrapping my small hands around a big mug of hot.

As I sat I began to wonder what I'd do once home - so many things need to be done. So many. Perhaps it was the cooler, cosy weather or the coffee in my hand but I decided that tonight, well tonight would be a night of couch and duvet lovin', homemade soup and movies - something I hardly ever do.

I walked across the street to the video store where I saw a very well-known actor that I tend to see a lot of. In fact, he often helps me at the grocery by getting things off the high shelves. Upon seeing each other we said 'hi' in that "I-kind-of-know-you-but-only-because-I-see-you-everywhere" kind of way. And then I did something else I don't normally do - I struck up a conversation.

"Since you work in the business," I said, "Maybe you have some movies to recommend as I have absolutely no ideas at the moment."

"What do you like?" he asked and I rattled off a few of my favourite films, explaining that generally speaking, I don't go for the latest Hollywood blockbusters or too many indie flicks.

"Well," he said, "maybe you should get something you normally wouldn't" and recommended a Hollywood blockbuster and an indie flick. I rented them both.

For the most part, I like how things are, how I work, what I do. But comfort can stop growth and it's good to sometimes shake things up a bit and push oneself out of their comfort zone. Not by making crazy, big leaps, changing everything all at once, piercing body parts to match the new blue hair, but just little things to keep things interesting, moving, and growing.

Just little bits of something I don't normally do, slowly adding up.

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October 15, 2005

This is the next century Where the universal's free

You can find it anywhere
Yes, the future's been sold
Every night we're gone
And to karaoke songs
How we like to sing along
'though the words are wrong

It really, really, really could happen
Yes, it really, really, really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Well, just let them go

No-one here is alone
Satellite's in every home
Yes, the universal's here
Here for everyone
Every paper that you read
Says tomorrow's your lucky day
Well, here's your lucky day

It really, really, really could happen
Yes, it really, really, really could happen
If the days they seem to fall through you
Well, just let them go

The Universal by Blur from the Great Escape Album

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October 05, 2005

There used to be a time when I would lament that I never wanted to turn into my mother. During my teen years she had her own things to deal with which made her less than pleasant to be around. She was no fun, she was cranky, and she wasn't the kind of mum that baked cookies or let me have playdough. No, I'd think, I'm not going to be like her. And I wasn't.

For years we never really spoke and it wasn't until my late twenties that I connected with her. We had both become more ourselves and surprisingly, more like each other. Our expectations of what a daughter was and what a mum was had been let go. Instead, we just looked at each other and realised we could giggle at everything for hours, liked taking long drives looking at antiques and wineries, we both noticed details of everything and were both overwhelmed by beauty and colour. Most of all, we discovered we both enjoyed a bit of fancy and really loved life despite all the curve balls we'd been thrown over the years. We were both eternally hopefully.

Out on the town people would always comment on how much we looked alike, especially our smiles. Which is perhaps why I like this photo; we both have the same smile that says "uh, we hate taking our picture but we'll fake it because it's raining really hard and we want it over with."

Our birthdays are just two days apart, which perhaps explains why we're both quirky little things and in a a few months when I'm celebrating mine, I'll think of her and what I've learned from her. And smile. Just a genuine one this time.