alex the girl

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February 15, 2005

One of my favourite romantic evenings didn't start out that way. It started as cold, rainy day in Brugge followed by lots of sight seeing and a bout of crankiness that set in around supper. After a eating something to warm to try to soothe my soul, a box of chocolates was purchased on the way home from a little chocolatier, Leonida's.

Back at the sweet, beautiful and oh so simple Bed and Breakfast, we laid in the bed and opened the box of chocolates and one by one, ate them in silence. Every bit was savoured, little pieces were shared, enjoyment was had. It probably took us an hour or two to go through a box and I swear, I swooned the whole way through. The evening ended the totally oppoisite way in which it had begun.

So when I saw that Leonida's was here in Santa Monica and that they had their chocolates shipped via air express once a week, I knew it would be the perfect way to spend Valentines - a holiday I've never celebrated before.

After a hectic day in which I had begun rather exhausted, we walked to the chocolatier, picked out a small box of chocolates, walked home along the ocean and once again took a couple of hours to dine on the best. And I swooned all over again.

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February 11, 2005

Heavy rains have set in today which, I must confess, I am thankful for. The past couple of months have literally been non-stop go, go, go and I have grown a bit weary. I would slow down but truth be told, the busyness is due to the fact that I want to do so much and there is much to do - something I don't see changing soon.

There's so many ideas I have floating through my head that must be put into action such as transforming Girl at Play to Girl at Play productions, a company that will launch a new site, hopefully a travel television show and a book based on the Chronicles of how I left corporate america to rock out creatively. It will also have me taking on a business partner and hopefully some others by summer. On top there's getting material for all that I'm doing, looking for furniture and bits for the home so that I am no longer sitting on the floor or using the same two forks, cooking with all my lovely books, trying to get a tea party at the flat and everything in-between. There's also been going and setting up new bank accounts, many trips to the Post Office (I'm official!), catching up on the 100+ emails that fill my box every day from friends and business adventures, going to work on new projects with the producer and so many other errands here and there (one which included going to Busy Bee hardware which made me laugh because it was so aptly named for me). This leaves me one busy but exhausted girl who literally just goes from one thing to the next.

My birthday is next week and generally I take the day off after spending months planning it; I'll find myself going out for breakfast, then I'll wander the city and pick out a little somethin' somethin' and then have lunch followed by a long nap and then a quiet evening. But being so busy, I haven't had the time to even think about it. I was so tempted to make this the year of finally getting a birthday cake and having a party but it's the last thing I want to think about. And with everyone else so busy, I think perhaps I might just work through it, too.

Oh, I am trying to find moments, truly. Last week I had the pleasure of having Felicia stay with me and with her help was able to get a few chores done in the most fabulously fun way. We had a long dinner one night that included Chris and Mary Catherine (and later involved her holding her Prada shoe out the car window for she had stepped in something most unpleasant that made us all gag and laugh like mad) which was relaxing beyond belief (partly due to three desserts) but with her came incredible conversation and information which lead me to doing more things and looking into more possibilities.

Then last night Mary Catherine and I met at the Four Seasons Lounge for a glass of wine and a shared pizza. The week had been tiresome for both and we tried to rectify it by dishing at our table, noticing celebrities who walked past us (God bless Mary Catherine - I wouldn't known anyone without her. She has an eye and a history of television watching) and avoiding strange scary men named Pedro. But our conversation also got my mind racing so when I returned home late, I worked on things until well after midnight.

It's one thing to have a dream - it's an entirely different thing to actually do it. I've got so many big dreams right now and working like mad on every single one. The last time I did this is when I left corporate america to write and that turned out fabulously because I put in the time and effort instead of just cheap talk and holding back due to fear. So hopefully, I'll have success again.

I just need to figure out how to balance some time off still. That's always the tricky bit, especially when there's so many personal and professional things to do. Maybe I'll start with that breakfast and nap next week.

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February 07, 2005

I'm currently doing some projects with a brilliant and wonderful producer and although I'm in-love with the work I'm doing there (lots of script reading, searching for projects to produce, events, chatting and editing), what I most adore about it all is where I get to go.

It's to a place that is over three acres and has a beautiful home, garden and outside office office which is surrounded by trees, flowers, oranges, apples, squirrels, birds and horses. Just a short walk down the road is a simple community outdoor horse ring that's used by all the horse people in the area (including some very famous neighbours).

Sometimes after I'm done at the office, I'll stop at the ring and watch the trainer and train the horse horse. What I've come to understand is that there is an agreement between the two; the trainer asks the horse to do something and the horse complies. The horse could choose to jump over the fence, run into the trainer or blow a fit and not run around the ring but he doesn't - he agrees to do what the trainer asks.

This, I don't think, is unique to this situation. I think everyone makes agreements with everyone. Often I hear things from people such as "he made me do it" or "I have to because my boss said so" but really, no one has to do anything. They just agree to do things.

I have been examining my own agreements with people to see if I actually agree with what I'm agreeing too. And for the most part, I am. There's someone I'm currently working with who is driving me absolutely insane but I can't blame her entirely because I am agreeing to accept her behaviours and work with them. If I chose not to agree I would either bitch slap her or not work with her - two options that I currently don't agree with (however, if I have to work with her a day longer, my agreement with her might change!).

Consciously recognising and understanding the agreements we make with people involves a high level personal responsibility. It forces a person to accept control of their life and situation. It forces them to recognise that they have made a choice to do something and an agreement with someone else. There's so much blame in the world as to why a person isn't happy instead of realising a lot of it has to do with agreeing to be unhappy.

This ties in to an earlier post and it's been something that's been coming up a lot for me. The more I understand what I am agreeing to do, the more freedom I feel I have to do (or not do) it. There's no more feeling of helplessness, of loss of control, of things being done to me. It's a realisation that my life is made up of choice and agreements and that everyday I am agreeing to everything (good and bad).

It's a lot easier to live this way than to blame.

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February 02, 2005

Last night as we walked around the neighbourhood we marvelled at where we were and how far we'd come in just a month. How quickly things were turning around, getting organised and moving forward. We thought about other people we knew who never moved and ideas that went no where and wondered why we seemed to be going it differently.

Chris spoke about how I had great intuition and trust in faith (not religious faith, but faith in knowing what I'm doing and what I want) but that I didn't rely 100% on that. Instead, I listened to it as a guide and then combined it with effort and responsibility. I let my unconscious speak and let my conscious work. I acted instead of just dreamed.

And generally, when things happen, I use the experience as tools - regardless if it was a good experience or not. I think perhaps even if it's bad I think how can I use this, what is the lesson, what can I do? I really don't see failure and it's not because I win and do everything right but because when something doesn't work, it doesn't work. Failure means to me that there is no use and you give up. I don't think one should ever give up.

Last year literally every month brought tragic news and circumstance. At times I wondered how I could still stand on two legs and how I could even imagine better things. It was so incredibly hard but two things got me through it all: being responsible for myself instead of blaming everything and using everything that happened as a tool in my life instead of a reason to crumble and become bitter.

Caterina shared something she read about The Stockdale Paradox which is about Admiral Jim Stockdale who was imprisoned during the Viet Nam war for 8 years and tortured 15 times. He was in solitary confinement for four and leg irons for 2. With all that, the question is, how did he survive it all? And this is what he said:

"I never lost faith in the end of the story," he said, when I asked him. "I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."

I didn't say anything for many minutes, and we continued the slow walk toward the faculty club, Stockdale limping and arc-swinging his stiff leg that had never fully recovered from repeated torture. Finally, after about a hundred meters of silence, I asked, "Who didn’t make it out?"

"Oh, that's easy," he said. "The optimists."

"The optimists? I don't understand," I said, now completely confused, given what he'd said a hundred meters earlier.

"The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."

Another long pause, and more walking. Then he turned to me and said, "This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end - which you can never afford to lose - with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."