alex the girl

One of the most common criticisms I receive is that somehow I must lead this perfectly charming, easy little life without worry and that if, in fact, I had ever suffered even the slightest, I would be more patient and understanding to those who like to live in a pitiful, complaining and negative world full-time. I would write less "good" stories because in the real world where there's real problems, it's not so easy to be kind.

Some people still haven't realised that pain for everyone is inevitable; suffering, however, is always optional. It's not a hard concept, in fact, I know an eleven year old girl who understands.

As a lunch buddy last year, I would once a week go to a local middle school and spend a lunch hour with an awkward 11 year old girl. She was Mexican, spoke with an accent and came from a poor family who didn't have extra money for the latest, coolest gear or hair cuts at a salon. She was a sweet, bright, caring girl but kids wouldn't see that when they looked at her; they'd just see a target.

On one visit she came running to me, crying. I put my arms around her and held her until the sobbing subsided. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me I couldn't understand. When I asked her why not and she told me, "Because you're pretty and everything is easy for you. You don't know what's it's like to be made fun of."

However, the next week I brought her a photograph. When I showed it to her, she laughed at it; she made fun of the girl with the short, choppy boy hairdo, the fang teeth, and the funky clothes.

"That was me when I was exactly your age," I told her. She looked at me in disbelief.

"When I was your age, I had just had my second surgery which caused my hair to break off and fall out. People called me ugly boy all the time. I was born with extra teeth which stood out like fangs in my mouth which was a horrible thing especially since I liked to laugh and smile so much. I limped because I was learning how to walk again and couldn't play sports for awhile like all the cool kids in my class. And my clothes? Well, my idea of style was much different from my peers and they let me know it every single day.

But you know what? Thats just what happens sometimes. Sometimes you're going to be awkward. Sometimes people are going to be mean and hurtful, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. Sometimes you're going to be uncool and not fit in, even if you try. Sometimes you're going to feel like things will never get better and never be different. But here is the thing that is so important to remember: those times aren't forever - they're just moments.

Hard moments, sad moments, painful moments, but moments just the same. And you know, moments don't last forever. In fact, you get to chose which moments are going to mean something, which moments are going to define you. That's the beautiful thing about being smart like you are. You can remember all the good moments you have and let those be what matter. The bad ones will shape you certainly, but they don't have to define you. Ever."

A couple of weeks later, we walked down the hallway to the lunchroom and a snippy little girl made one of the usual comments to her. She looked at the little girl but didn't cry, instead she continued to walk with me to lunch. We sat outside, ate our lunch as we talked about all the places we'd go when we grew up and the rides that scared us the most at Disneyland. When I walked her back to her classroom she said to me, "Those moments when we were laughing? That's what I'm going to remember about today."

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September 10, 2003

The clouds were so low and thick today that on my walk along the lake I could barely see it. I knew a tour boat was out on the water because I heard its horn blow. I wondered if the tourists onboard were sitting cosy with a hot chocolate in their hand, and talking to one another about the travels they were on or if they were complaining because they couldn't see the lake due to the heavy rain setting in. And, I wondered, if it were the latter, if they realised that there is more than one way to experience something - it just depends on your attitude.

I was taught this lesson in my early twenties when, working for a tour company in the Canadian Rockies, a woman called to book a sightseeing tour. I explained in great detail the different day trips available to her and together we picked one out for her to take. She then asked me a question that took me off guard, "Do you offer discounts to the blind?"

At first, I questioned if this woman was serious. A blind person on a sightseeing tour? Who ever heard of such a thing? Who had ever heard of a discount on top? Also I couldn't comprehend the purpose of taking a sightseeing tour if you couldn't see, especially in the Canadian Rockies where the sight of the bright green lakes or the ragged peaks of the mountains were something that needed to be seen to be experienced. How bored, I thought, this woman would be, sitting on a 3 hour bus tour without being able to see anything.

So I said to her, "We don't offer discounts, but I should like to ask why you would want to take a sightseeing tour if you can't see."

With a smile in her voice she said, "My dear, there are so many other fabulous ways to see the world. Attitude, darling, attitude!"

She went on to tell me that she had heard our drivers told the best stories and described every detail. This was true. I was once on an eight hour tour where the driver, so passionate about geology, described every nook and cranny in every mountain for the duration of the trip. Near the end when my eyes had failed me from being tired, I closed them and still saw the mountains as he described them over the speaker.

She told me other reasons why she wanted to go on the trip (she liked the hum of people talking on a bus, she liked being out in the cold with the wind hitting her and then retreating inside to the bus or a cafe to warm up and be so thankful, and she liked to hear the rumble of the glaciers falling apart into the lakes) and why, even though she couldn't see it, she could experience it.

This reminded me of the Mary Engelbreit quote which said, "If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." She can't change being blind, but she could change the way she thought about seeing.

There are moments for sure when wallowing, complaining or being pitiful is just downright a perfect thing to do. I am prone to fits of flailing limbs but these moments are generally short lived. It's not being Pollyanna about everything, it's just choosing to accept what you can do, instead of what you can't. Like seeing when you're blind.