alex the girl

When I was 16, I waved goodbye to my friend as she road her bike home from school. She was going to call me later to discuss math notes I didn't understand. She never did and I was angry until I learned next day in school that she had been hit by a car on her bike ride home and was killed instantly.

At 23 I was living a carefree life in New Zealand when my father rang to tell me my brother in law was killed in a sky diving accident. It wasn't until years later that I found out that my sister was with him at the drop zone where he worked, told him she loved him, kissed him goodbye and went to get him food as he took students up for a tandem dive. When she came back 1/2hr later, he was dead.

Three weeks ago, my mum called my great uncle to see how he was doing. Fine he told her, in fact, lets get together for lunch. My mum told him that was a good idea. Little did she know that only 4 hours later he'd hang himself in the basement and she'd never see him again.

Death is something I think about a lot. I don't live in fear of it because I've had so many people in my life pass away that I've just accepted that death is what happens. But I'm conscious about it more than perhaps I should be. Aware that any moment could be my last - or someone else's. With lots of hospitals scares and an ailing body, it's strange to see my father, 68 and a once strong Frenchman who could kick my ass, need my help. All his family has passed away and his is literally the last Beauchamp around - except for me. I went from being the little girl with all this family to the last adult left. The cycle of life has put me at the top and challenged me to get over any crap that was ever between us. Instead of being angry about something that happened when I was 4 or 7 or the play he missed because of business, I am now thankful for every conversation we get to have. And when I tell him on the telephone that I love him - I say it with all the sincerity and love I have instead of "I love you, but."

With Chris, I sometimes worry that, as with my sister, I'll kiss him goodbye and when he goes out that door he won't come back. I remember once we were in an argument and he had to go to work and I didn't want him to leave
in a huff so I ran to the car and said, "I'm angry with you right now about this topic, but over all you know you're deeply loved, right?" He told me he knew that and that he wasn't mad and we'd get over it - and we did just like we knew we would. But I don't you don't get a second chance to say you're sorry or I love you.

I think this is why I chase life as hard as I do - I want to make every moment count because despite some people believing otherwise - it does. Every day could be our last opportunity to do something, say something, be something. I don't waste my time being petty, hating, obsessing. I try to make each moment meaningful, beautiful, and real. I don't waste time thinking about all that I could have done but instead what I can do. It's not that dying is on my mind 24/7 but being conscious about it, has lead me to live a more conscious life, and I think that's a good thing.

Because even though dying is a part of life, living is what it's really all about and being satisfied that you've done just that - by loving, being happy, trying, or just by being conscious. That and giving it hell to the end just because you can.