Everyday Words

I think it’s been really

April 18, 2001

I think it’s been really hard for me to come to terms with what I am doing because I am so afraid of failing. And the strange thing is, you’d think by now I’d be used to it.

I try everything, I’ve lived on my own all over, I’ve had every kind of job, I’ve had so many different friendships. I’ve tried doing this thing or that thing, this project or that. And I’ve failed so much that failure and I should be old comfy friends.

But not this time, I’m terrified of failure. And I think because for the first time in my life, I am starting something that matters so much to me, is such a part of me. I am exposing all of myself and leaving myself open.

It’s like at work, I was terrified of telling people why I was leaving. I felt if I said something, I know had immense pressure to make it real. I was going to make it realy anyway but once someone else knew, once all the BS was out of the way, then it’s like now I have a commitment. There is one more person that knows, and one more person I’d have to notify if I don’t make it.

I’m thinking all this is just a stage, like a stage that you go through when you’re mourning a loss. I’m hoping to get back into the excited I can do anything even kick ass stage. I have a feeling I will.

But in the meantime, just keep all this between you and me, would you?

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