When I attended a BlogHer panel today I left really, really frustrated Both the panel and the audience, and perhaps rightly so, seemed to be very “grrrrl.” Everyone seemed to reflect each other both in dress and in speech and it everyone seemed to be just so focused on the pain of women, how women writers need to tag everything they do as “women” and how we need to kick some ass (ours! theirs!) and get angry at not being “equal” or as perceived as smart as men because lord knows we’re better. There was an energy in the room that for me was really uncomfortable. It was as though everyone was just riled up and angry at anything not “grrrl” oriented. In talking to a several people after about it, I wasn’t the only one that picked up on it. But then, none of the people I spoke to were “grrrls” (actually, a lot of them were really hot women who held engineering jobs in Google and Yahoo. Their openness made you want to talk to them. Their brains made you want to listen).

Despite having the word “girl” in many of my site and creating sites based on women and for women, it has never, ever been at the expense of men. I do not feel the need to be “PRO WOMAN” to get ahead. I get along fine with the fella’s, can talk business and smack with the best of them, and am taken seriously too. It’s why with almost every site (even the ones “geared” towards women), my readership is always almost 60% female and 40% male. I tend to do things universal because I just believe we’re all here to connect. And I don’t care if you’re in a dress, pants, blue hair or blonde. It’s what is interesting and useful to me that counts and not defining myself in a small group to try to gain power.

For the past couple of years I have taken a seasonal gig at my favourite store; not only to indulge in their very generous discount but because I adore talking with the ladies, dressing them up and just having fun for a few hours a week.

One night, an older woman came in who was a little bit cranky and tired. She came out of her dressing room in one of our dresses to see how it looked in the three way. The dress was so pretty but the womans expression was not – she didn’t understand the power of the dress because she was too worried about other things. Things one shouldn’t worry about when wearing a pretty dress because a pretty dress is permission to just relax and laugh, not having to be a business woman, a mother, a house cleaner, a teacher, or anything else. It’s time to just remember to be a girl.

When I walked over to her she said as she looked at her self in that critical way, “I’m not so sure…”

I leaned into her and whispered, “you know, the dress, it twirls.”

“Excuse me?” she said.

“It twirls. When you go back in the changeroom, just spin yourself round really quick. You’ll understand.”

She just looked at me and walked back into the changeroom and before shutting the door gave me a look as though I was crazy. But just a few seconds later I heard a giggle come from her room. Then another.

She bought the dress.

Last month in Vancouver, my best-friend, her son and I went on a horse drawn carriage ride around Stanley Park. For forty-five minutes the horses pulled the heavy trolly in conditions which were actually pretty good – no large hills, not a lot of traffic racing around and pretty mild weather. Still, we weren’t sure how we felt about these animals being made to lug us around and wondered if it was good for them or if they’d be better off hanging out on a farm somewhere.

When we asked the guide about it, she explained that this particular breed, the rare Grey Shire Horse, was bred solely for the purpose of pulling large weight (mostly for pulling coal out of mines). Because they were bred specifically for this, it’s necessary for the horses to do work each day in order to keep their leg muscles strong so they can support their body weight (1700 to 2000 pounds). Without those muscles, their legs would literally snap and the horse would collapse. Without fulfilling their purpose, they would destroy themselves.

Somehow I don’t this unique to horses.

I’m one who listens very closely to people’s words and often find that what people say is not often what they do; a lot of people’s beliefs do not match their actions.

The language that so many use as of late has become really bothersome; people using the word “you” instead of “I” – removing themselves from themselves. Speaking in general tones as though everyone does it, wants to do it or even understands. Very few people that I’ve listened to, actually say “I did this.” It’s always “When you do this.” It’s this little difference that I think, makes all the difference – it takes away personal responsibility.

I hear people saying how crime is rising and how they wish America was a safe place and why can’t things go back to being charming – I hear this especially from people in the mid-west. Yet the number one show in the US and especially in the mid-west is CSI Miami – one of the most violent shows on television. If these people hold the belief that life is too violent, why do they watch it for entertainment and encourage networks to make more shows of the same?

I hear people say how healthcare is terrible in the US (and it is) and how hard it is to stay healthy yet these same people are most likely to be overweight, eat poor foods made up of trans fats, chemicals and other junk and abuse their bodies with diet, alcohol, stress, and general abuse. If they don’t like how they get fixed, why don’t they try to prevent getting problems? It doesn’t match.

I hear people say how they hate how Walmarts are taking over and smaller businesses are going away. I hear this from writers and artists especially who complain about their beloved bookstore closing – yet for the past two years these same people did nothing but shop on Amazon. They want the quaint store but don’t support it. Their money isn’t where their mouth is.

I hear people complain about corporations, especially Starbucks, and how evil they are. I have a friend who is so anti-Starbucks because of what he thinks they do so he buys his coffee from little stands. Most of these stands under pay their employees, do not give benefits to them either and buy their coffee from places that are destroying the rain forrest. Starbucks, at least, pays their employees well with great benefits, and has many programs in place to keep the rainforrest going and help the people in which their coffee is bought.

I hear people who say they worry about the environment yet drive SUV’s, run water like mad, have 17 lights going in their house, shop at Safeway instead of Whole Foods which buys from local farmers, gives back to the community, has so many programs in place for the environment and uses environmentally friendly things in the store (so although some things are more – your money actually goes somewhere and it’s one of the top 100 places to work for. Safeway workers strike annually). People who complain about the environment also tend to use bleach, harsh chemicals in the home and make fun of people who actually live pretty clean. Their beliefs don’t match their actions at all.

I hear people say what they’re going to do, how they’re going to do it, and how all their epiphanies will finally become something real. Yet all they do is talk, talk,talk. After reading countless blogs and self-help books they know the lingo and know what to do, it’s just the doing that becomes the problem and their problems remain the same.

When I listen closely to what people say and match it against what they do, I often come up disappointed and trusting people less. It doesn’t seem to matter anymore if people mean what they say or keep their words or act on what they believe – everyone’s just become so used to throwing words around and it’s seems to be enough for so many. Too many, I think.

I often find people who speak a foreign language to be more truthful as they haven’t learned to lie yet. They speak plainly, truthfully. It seems the more words a person learns, the further from their truth they seem to go – especially if their truth seems inconvenient.

It’s not that hard to really put your money where your mouth is. All it takes is being conscious about it. Living life as you mean it. Speaking life as you mean it. Doing life as you mean it.

What a thought.

One of the biggest motivating lines I’ve heard parents use on their children for obtaining a “good life” is, if you don’t study hard, you’ll end up just a garbage man. Hearing that line always makes me cringe.

In the summer of 1996 I lived in the West End of Vancouver, Canada. A charming, well-kept neighbourhood that bordered the beach, Stanly Park and the downtown corridor. Living there was brilliant – and desired. It’s vacancy rate has always held at under 1%.

But that summer, it became a not so dreamy place to live when the Garbage Men went on strike. At first, nobody felt anything. However, after a week or two, when garbage overflowed every dumpster, the alleys and streets smelt so bad and our once pristine area was dirtier than you could ever imagine, people were calling up their local garbage men, pleading for them to go back to work.

It’d take them two months and in during those two months, anyone who lived in or visited the West End learned how important a Garbage Man was.

It’s always bothered me in America how there is this push for University and becoming something. Don’t get me wrong – I totally support education, learning and being the best you can be. What I don’t support is the idea that University and being a CEO is all that there is and everyone has to go that route because if they don’t, they’ll be nothing more than a garbage man and who wants that?

I think that kind of thinking is unfair to those who want or have more basic jobs – jobs we need. If you want to be a plumber, I don’t think you need four years in University; you need a trade school. If you want to just work retail, then some courses and experience might serve you best. Isn’t high school supposed to teach you a lot, prepare you in some way? I don’t think it does in America that much considering how people say here it isn’t worth anything nowadays.

If education is supposed to be something everyone ought to do, why is it so expensive? Why isn’t it free? If education is important, if becoming a better person is important, why don’t the rates drop? Why are parents told to start saving for their child’s university when they’re a baby? It doesn’t make sense.

I’ve seen a lot of people go through university who come out only knowing how to pass tests and do the minimum to graduate. They’re often not any smarter, happier or more in touch with what to do with their lives. They go in on automatic pilot and come out just as confused – but with a sense they are somehow better than somehow who didn’t go.

Oh, I know this isn’t the case with every graduate but I don’t see why people are looked down on for not going to university, for being a garbage man, or a teller, or a clerk. We need those services so why look down on the people who do them?

Three frustrating things:

Whenever I say something challenging about America or living in it, I get a flood of email from people telling me to leave the country if I don’t like it. This is so bloody absurd. Why? If a friend was leading a really crap life and you saw a better alternative and thought that by mentioning an idea that could help them, wouldn’t you do it? It doesn’t mean they have to change but what’s wrong with sharing ideas or different ways of being? Why is challenging the status quo such a bad thing? My challenges aren’t always right or the best but perhaps something to think about. Besides, if a challenge makes one that angry then perhaps they ought to think more of why a nerve was hit than why I ought to leave the country.

The other frustration is when I speak in general terms, I receive a flood of email from people who say, “I don’t do that,” or “In my neighbourhood we’re not like that.” That’s fine, then my message wasn’t for you.

I tend to speak more globally than personally because that’s how I see things. Living in 6 countries and in several states in the US, being married to an American, having a diverse family, reading news from around the world and several sources, and seeing America from the point of my husband, as an immigrant, as a corporate person, as an entrepreneur, as a resident in the country and as a previous foreigner outside of it, I see America from a lot of different perspectives and a lot of different ways. I understand its history and its way of being on so many different levels – most likely more than the average American . Because of this I tend to speak on broader terms based on the majority. I understand generally, in America, people tend to take comments and ideas a lot more personally than in other places. That comments one makes in general terms are going to feel like personal attacks which they’re not. They’re general ideas, observations and statements.

So maybe although you and your ten friends don’t do it, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen generally or at all. I understand that not everyone does everything. I just tend to speak about the majority of which I’ve seen a lot of.

And lastly: realise, specialise, neighbourhood, cosy – these are all correct spellings.

Several years ago I wrote this quote down in my journal after reading Bette Davis’ autobiography. It’s taken me a few years of living in America, however, to really comprehend it.

In all the other countries I’ve lived, you see single women out and about. You hear people being direct with their words and you see them being OK with achieving and having things. In America, I don’t find that to be as true as often. Women tend to be more insecure in the US, going out in clumps and staring at girls who are out alone (she must be a freak to be in a theatre by herself!). People have to talk around issues and watch people’s feelings and sensitivities because in the US, more things are taken personally (was she saying that to get at me?). In the US, if one has money or success they’re gossiped about by those who don’t (oh, he can’t be president. He has money – he doesn’t understand life!).

Despite everyone in the US wanting to achieve success (personally, financially and job-wise), it seems that those who achieve anything (who are happy, have money, have a career, are pretty, are not obese or are just simply OK with where they are are hated. They’re immediately thought of as stuck up, plastic, snotty, mean, pretender, spoiled, unrealistic, cheaters, swindlers or asses.

This, I do not understand. Why is it so horrible for one to be content? America buys the most self-help books in the world, it’s pounded into American brains that you must go to University and make something of yourself and people play lotto like mad to become millionaires. Yet, there’s this negative energy towards people who might have any of those things.

I don’t understand what it matters what someone else does or has – good or bad. Why hate someone because they have something or like who they are – especially if they’re just being and not being a twat. There’s a weird sense of competition in the US which is odd because I’ve never heard the saying, “no one is looking at you” more than I’ve heard here. Yet, everyone seems to be checking everyone out. Finding what they have, if they’re better, if they’re succeeding more, who is doing lousy, where on some imaginary scale do they fit. Who cares? What does it matter if someone likes themselves or, for that matter, hates themselves? How does if affect you?

With my writing site, when I wrote about being unsure of something the email would pour in by the thousands. Whenever I wrote about an accomplishment or feeling OK, I would instantly start to receive a tonne of hate mail. And this site, it receives a lot of attention yes, but a lot of it is negative. Interestingly, when I put a photo of myself on the front page the hate mail/gossip tripled. People in droves were screaming how huge my ego must be, how stuck up I am and how much of a know-it-all I seem to be. I often wondered if I had put up a picture of a very large woman with greasy hair and a frown, if people would have said the same thing.

Oh, I am by far not the most interesting, most unique, prettiest, coolest, smartest, funniest, talented, best at anything girl. I’ve always said that people can do what I do, see what I see and do it all better. But that doesn’t seem to matter because people dislike the fact that I’m OK with where I am and that I’ve never cared for what others can do, only what I can do and how I feel about that. Personal satisfaction seems to bother those who don’t have it. And it makes them feel like those who do are egotistical nightmares instead of just people being people.

I’ve talked with some of my American friends who have told me they’ve held back from rocking out in the world because they were afraid people wouldn’t like them anymore. That people like to see others struggle because it’s comforting and helps people to connect. I found this really sad; to hold back on being great because you fear people thinking you’ve got an ego and are therefore an ass. Success, though encouraged in America, still isn’t really accepted. And that should really change because after all, what are we all trying to do? Suck? Hate ourselves? Think we’re crap? How much use is that to anyone? How does that make things good? America talks so much about “accepting ourselves” yet it tends to persecute those who do. Self-deprecating humour seems to rank here, as does spilling our guts out in weblogs about how much we suck and suffer and aren’t anythings.

Sorry, but I’d rather not. I’ve only this one life and despite some things being less than stellar through my thirty years, I like it. I like the core of me, even on the days when I’m unsure about some things and flailing limbs around I still think I’m OK. And that’s not ego talking, that’s just feeling sure of who I am because I haven’t spent years competing against others, trying to be something or over analysing every detail. I know my strengths, my weaknesses. I know when I’m rocking out and when I’m not. I know what matters to me and what doesn’t. I know I’m so not better than anyone but I also don’t think I’m worse than anyone because I don’t compete. I don’t have to prove anything which means if someone does or doesn’t like me, ah well. It doesn’t matter so much as long as I’m OK with where I am – and I am.

And I understand that this train of thought in the US makes me sound like I’ve an ego bigger than Texas but I don’t. I’m just sure of myself and everywhere else, that seems to be OK. In fact, it seems to be quite normal.

I cannot vote in the United States because I am not a United States citizen, which sometimes leaves me feeling a bit frustrated, as if I don’t have a voice.

But I do.

I’m not going to sit and preach about who one should – or shouldn’t – vote for. I’m not going to preach to the choir or yell at someone with whom I disagree. But what I would offer to those in the US that can vote, is that it is OK to be healthfully critical of your government. It is OK to question what your government is doing, it is OK to disagree with some things, it is OK to keep your leaders in check. You don’t just vote people into power, walk away and support them blindly. It’s not their government – it’s yours.

I offer this because what frustrates me the most when talking to Americans about US Politics is that if you bring up something that seems wrong in any government that is currently in power, you’re just yelled at, told you’re wrong or, if you’re not a citizen, told to leave the country by people who support them no matter what. It’s very hard, I find, to have a discussion about what’s going on with politics and leaders here.

My views on the current US Government are very harsh and not because I am a Democrat (I don’t belong to either party) but because I read a lot and listen to people speak and have red flags going off in my brain that say, “I don’t think that’s right. Something’s not making sense.” These flags don’t come out because I blindly support one party over another but because I tend to question things. I tend to be healthfully critical. I’d do this regardless of who is in power because whoever is in power of the country I am living in affects me. I’ll support what deserves supporting and question what doesn’t make sense.

And I would hope that others would do this as well. Because it’s not about making a party – or leader – right. It’s about making a country and it’s people healthy.

When I was 13, I was an unusual girl. My days were spent at school and after that they were usually spent outside playing. I had a tool shed that I converted partially into a fort where, with 3 other girls my age and younger, I’d hold class or tea parties. We would also play in the nearby woods, building more forts, swinging from trees or fishing. In the evening I’d play alone in my room with Barbie dolls, lego’s or Tonka Trucks. Before bed I’d read like a mad woman before I fell asleep to repeat again the next day.

This was not normal for a 13 year old girl in my neighbourhood. Most 13 year olds knew what hair spray was, what dating was, what style was. I didn’t.

The school I was attending had only been my school for the year previous and because I was new and oh so different than my peers, I was teased, a lot. Not just by students in my class but by teachers. I was made fun of for everything; how I spoke, how I dressed, how I played. Most days I ignored it because I really just loved playing and what I called “private time” at home. It didn’t matter to me that at school I wasn’t liked because I had a pretty full life outside. Some days, however, when a girl would get too snarky, I’d deck her. That would keep things quiet for awhile.

In my last year at this school, I found out about a contest that was to take place for all the girls in the last grade. It was called May Princess which is an annual tradition in most commonwealth countries. To be in it, all you had to do was give a speech in front of the entire school about who you were and what you would do as May Princess to represent the school amongst others in the area. The school would then vote and the girl with the most votes would win and would then get to sit on a float in a pretty dress and throw candy.

I wanted to be May Princess, wear a pretty dress, sit on a float and throw candy.

It’s not that I actually thought I would win, but I never thought I would lose. I didn’t think about it, anylyse it, play it out. I just thought it sounded like a fabulous idea and, without telling anyone, entered.

The day came when 13 of us girls had to sit in front of the school and wait our turn to speak. The 12 other girls were the girls. They had the hair and they had the clothes. But what they didn’t have was confidence in themselves and the ability to speak.

Despite my awkwardness, I did.

I remember standing in front of the school, giving my little speech which was filled with much cheeky humour and a real passion for wanting to be princess. I remember people laughing and the little kids in the front row staring. I remember when I was finished and turned to walk to my seat, the other 12 girls laughing at me like I was retarded.

Later that afternoon, the 13 of us were called to the office to hear the results before they were announced. The headmaster said to us with a look of disbelief, “I don’t know how, but she won. She won with 400 more votes than the next girl.” He handed me the piece of paper that pronounced me May Princess as he kept repeating, “I don’t know how, I don’t know how.”

I sat with a huge grin, the other girls scoweled. It was a very quiet walk back to class and when it was announced over the loud speaker that I won, I sat there grinning while the entire class, including the teacher, looked at me with that “what the hell” look.

Leaving school all the little kids kept running up to me saying, “I voted for you May Princess!” Some even asked for autographs! I was swarmed by all the little children who didn’t care about hair spray or boys either.

When I got home, my mum was gardening in the front yard and I literally shouted to her, “Mum! I won! I was voted May Princess!” to which she replied, “What have we told you about lying?” She didn’t believe some awkward girl who got into more fights with her peers and played make believe in the back yard could win some contest. But luckily a neighbour walked by whose child went to our school and told me congratulations. My mothers jaw dropped.

A month later I sat on the float, in a pretty white dress, and threw candy. It was so much fun I remember. I sat with girls from other schools who knew about hair spray, style and boys but somehow, liked me just the same. They assumed I must be cool to win so they chatted me up and we giggled on board the float. One girl next to me asked me how long I had primped for that day, after telling me about her day at the spa. I told her I had been digging for worms early but I had made sure to wash my hands. Oh, I added, I had taken a few minutes to learn how to walk in a heal. She smiled that polite May Princess smile and I smiled back. It was a good day to be a May Princess.

I often think back to that time and ask how was it that I won by so many votes. My guess is that I’ve always had a connection with kids somehow; they like me. While the older girls split the votes amongst their peers, I got all the primary’s who didn’t know what cool was or who was it this month. They just saw a girl with blonde hair and a big grin who seemed happy and maybe once or twice protected them from a bully on the play ground or played jump rope when they needed another player. I realised at a very early age that you can worry about a few people and be miserably controlled, or you can worry about yourself and have more freedom and happiness. I’ve always had a lot of freedom and happiness.

I also think about why I entered that contest, why I wasn’t afraid or didn’t think I’d lose. I think it’s because my concern wasn’t with how I would look, how I would win, or what it would all mean but how much fun it would all be. I did thingsbased on the enjoyment it would give me and not what was “cool” or “hip.” Actually, that hasn’t changed 17 years later.

I was at a boutique today that had the loftiest ceilings, lots of walls and only one door in and out. Inside this boutique was a bird, flying madly around the high ceilings, looking for a way out, and never finding it despite getting so close so often. In his state of panic, he couldn’t see that if he relaxed on the perch he kept flying to and looked just an inch below, he’d have the exit he needed.

This bird reminded me of people who often feel trapped and confused. They move around all the time, working themselves up, feeling more claustrophobic and chaotic as they search aimlessly for a way out, not really believing one exists.

But there is always a way out. There is always a door somewhere, no matter how hard it might be to find it. If one were to settle down, take a breath and look around before moving, perhaps one could find the exit they need. If they just relaxed, the worry of never finding it would lessen and perhaps, they�d even see beauty in where they were.