It’s only been one week since everything started. One week. It feels like an eternity. I have flipped my world upside-down. I have given up security, sanity and life as I know it. And right now, I’m not too sure what to make of it all.

The weekend of the 7/8th Chris & I had taken a train trip to Vancouver and stayed overnight for a little get away. That’s when I had come to the decision to quit my job and become a writer. I had given my notice on Monday to my boss, the President, and he told me to keep it quiet. He said to me, “I’m not sure what to tell people is the reason why you’re leaving.” I said, “You can tell them it’s because I’m going to write.” He said, “No, that doesn’t make sense.”

All week long I wanted to take my resignation back. I thought, what the hell am I doing? I make a lot of money. I can buy anything, go anywhere, do anything. I contribute to my savings. I have a place to go to everyday, I know what I’m doing. I’m really good at my job. I actually like a lot of people there. Why am I walking away from all this when I have no idea what I’m walking to?

I asked myself all that over and over because I was filled with such self doubt – it was almost unbearable. Any euphoria I had felt over releasing that I need to live my passion was short lived. All I could think of was that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.

So I decided on Friday the 13th to take a trip up to Vancouver by myself to go and stay with my friend, just so I could be alone and clear my head and get centred. She’s 57, very creative, extremely interesting and completely compassionate. She listened to me talk about my uncertainty and over a mocha and popcorn she said, “You must give it a try. If one does not succeed, that does not mean failure. No… look at all the wonderful singers and artists that are out there, some made it big others did not and that does not mean that they failed. They lived truly, and that is never failure. Being an unhappy executive is, no matter how much money you make. I applaud you for wanting to write. One has to be happy in what one does. I really believe that, more so now, that I am more grown up. There is so much to do and see and WRITE. Go for it, if you do not, you will grow old and say I should have.” I hugged her and told her Thank you, that’s what I needed.

Then today, word got out to the Senior Managers that I had resigned last week. The President had told them to keep it quiet for now, despite the fact that this Friday is my last day. My boss felt if word got out that I was leaving, moral would get even lower and confidence in the company would vanish. When he said that, it reminded me of how good I am at my current job, and how central I am to the company. I thought about my employees that I supervise and manage and how they think I’m the best boss ever. I thought about all the people I support and projects and tradeshows I do and manage. And now I have to tell people, “Sorry, you’re on your own.” I started to feel guilty.

When the Senior Managers would approach me today they’d ask me why I was leaving. “Are you getting more money somewhere else?” was always the first thing. “No,” I’d say, “I’m going to write.” “Write what?” “I’m not sure right now.” “What? You mean you don’t have a job to go to?”

It was so strange getting their reactions. Actually most of them were really supportive and said “good for you” and I got the sense that they wish they could go chase their dream. But still, it was awkward. There is a lot of people I haven’t told yet because I haven’t been allowed to, and I know their reactions will be negative. Some people have a hard time dealing with others success, ambition, or happiness. Jealousy can be a real bitch.

So, for the past week I’ve just been dealing with finishing up work, reactions (both mine and others) and just basically trying to get through each day. It’s hard. Living your dream is really hard work, which is why, I suspect, most people do not ever live theirs.

I’m not, however, most people. I’m going to chase mine, hard. Even if nothing big ever comes of it, I have to try. I have to know. I’ve asked myself all the what if questions this past week like “What if I don’t make money,” “what if I get lazy” “what if I end up like (some girl whose name I’ll blank out for her privacy) who has talent but sits on her ass all day afraid of the world” “what if I really don’t have talent” but I figured the only what if question that really mattered was “what if I don’t try this.”

What if.