I let him crack me.

I’ve been having a clicking noise in my neck and it’s been so irritating that I finally went to a chiropractor. I should have gone a long time ago since my neck froze up last year, but it’s like all things, if you ignore the problem, it just might go away.

But it wasn’t. So I called and in I went. The Doctor was actually very cool. He wasn’t all stuffy and textbooky but he had a new way of looking at things. I could relate.

He told me that an athlete uses 99% of his body potential every day. Every day could you imagine? That if one little thing is out of place, they know right away because they are so in tune with their bodies. Normal people like me, only use about 65% of our potential. That if a problem happens in our bodies, we don’t realise until it really hurts, and even then we put it off.

He needed to crack my neck and pop my back. I have been terrified of the ‘popping’ noise for as long as I can remember. But I needed to be fixed. I couldn’t put it off. I needed to fine tune. So I trusted him as he twisted my body in every direction. I heard every little pop and crack in my body. I didn’t want to be aware of it but I decided maybe I should be.

On the way home all I could think about was how the athlete uses 99% of their potential. That phrase just kept ringing in my brain. I wanted that. I wanted to know when the smallest thing of my body was out of whack. I wanted to know when my muscle was working. I wanted to know my body.

And that is hard for me because for the last year or so I’ve had complete issues with it. I used to be so tiny and curvy that I never had to think about it. But then last year when I gained weight, when I wasn’t useful and moving, when all of a sudden I had a man to share my body with, I became so self conscious. Unbearably so. So I left my body and didn’t realise when it was out of tune.

So there were little things going on and I just ignored them or didn’t feel them. Not just phsyical issues but issues with the boyfriend or world that were because of me ignoring my body. Of not being able to hear when it was out of whack.

I slowly started to exercise last fall. Intermittently because I hated it and deemed it pointless. But this year I’ve really gotten into it. And I’m strong now. I have muscles, tone and definition. I could almost kick some serious ass.

So with the analogy of the athlete in my head, I went home and stood naked in front of a tall mirror and really looked at my body.

And something happened.

I saw the cut in my stomach, the firmness in my arse. The definition in my arms and my clavicles showing through. But more than that I saw the work and the effort I had put into this body. I then started to see all the work in my life I’ve put on this body. How it’s carried me across the world, how my feet somehow managed to always land on the ground, how my hands created and also healed and how my eyes saw pain and also joy. And I started to become in tune.

I started to realise that some other issues I had were springing from the small pains of my body. And now that I can hear them, I can stop them in their little tracks before they manifest into something more.

I won’t use 99% of my body I know that, but I’m going to try to be more aware about myself. And be proud of what I’ve done and keep tuning up myself to be even prouder. No more baggy pants and hiding. No more excuses for staying on a couch and feeling useless. I want to use more of my potential, even if it’s just a private marathon.

The doctor said my spine and neck were so very bent and that he’d straighten me up. And he did, he really did.